Balancing with 80% Workaholic
Inspired from real life experiences - What does it takes to work in a job, its a medley of ingredients like butter, never say no attitude, licking arses, selling your soul and little bit of talent and skill.
What does it takes to work in a job, its a medley of ingredients like butter, never say no attitude, licking arses, selling your soul and little bit of talent and skill. And this amazing master-chef dish is common in public as well as private sector in India, where saying “Yes Boss” is important that “Courage” for saying “this is not achievable, needs”skills, resources or time”. I did not plan all this when I was in my graduation, thinking of taking up a job that stabilizes my life ahead. A job that makes me financially independent and content with my achievements. A job that makes me happy and proud when I talk about herself. In one of the workshops recently, I was asked, what am I proud of in my current job. After ten minutes of thinking and deliberation, I couldn’t think of anything because all I did in the job was, monotonously working like a robot and doing the same things on repeat.
That workshop was an eyeopener for me. I am indeed proud where I am today, my earnings and learnings. But definitely I am not happy with the place I am in. I have always been a tough team player because I prefer not making repeated mistakes, First time mistakes are still okay. No one likes to work with me as I try to find mistakes in the work - that is the part of role I am in - an Auditor. So I end up taking most of my work myself with no external help, because I am unable to trust people dealing with my expectations of no errors. The journey started with 40 hours a week to 45 hours moving to 50 hours and 60 hours a week. The more I did, the more I was expected to handle. And the appraisals were brutal - I am told - I am an individual contributor not a team player - why should we promote you? If that’s the case why did they burdened me with this load of work.
My energies being all soaked up in work sucked the ”life” out of me. I had irregular sleeping schedule, thanks to my US/ UK clientele. Working late at home after work was usual. Overthinking is the base of nightmares and it was taking a toll on me. Not doing anything at home was my usual, I did not like getting up from bed or doing any thing, Distancing myself with most of the things I usually used to do. I was just being lazy - someone who utilizes weekend to replenish the energy to use it the next week. Just like a game, where night just fills in all the health so you can fight again next day. Imagine a person with no personal life - a home with 60+ retired nagging parents who wants to get you married asap and a job with no balance. Hormones fucking up with my temper and creating mood swings in personal life.
Sometimes I used to think how cool are the people who play dumb and do blunders in their initial assignments - they always get the easy job to do and life is easy and earning is coming every month with no hassle. But are those people learning anything, achieving anything - No, but am i learning - yes, achieving anything - No - then why the fuck am I doing all this. I don’t know. With my imbalance state of mind which is oscillating between I am good at my job and I am not happy at my job - I lost the vision of perfection. Red flags on the work is the last thing I ever wanted and now I am not doing a great job and not happy as well.
Why wasn’t I happy, I wasn’t rewarded for what I did. I was not pointed well in time for what I did leaving no scope for improvement over the time . I did what was expected and exceeded expectations in that. No one guided me what to do or how to do. What was the role of manager in all this? shouldn’t my manager sit with me and tell me that you are lacking in working with a team - you need to work in that aspect to seal your promotion - do you think I wouldn’t have put effort for it? This is how no appreciation and no acknowledgement results in.
Many of you will think what about the rest 20% - well we do lot of other things, like sleep, eat, washroom breaks, commute and deliberation within.
